The world of cancer education was rocked yesterday as Ian Banks announced that Pat Info has been called to stand trial. “This must be a terrible mistake,” a leading oncologist said when he heard the news. 

“There’s not a lot funny about cancer,” remarked another leading health expert who wished to remain anonymous for fear of receiving hate mail. “But most people don’t realise that the majority of people actually survive the disease. The biggest problem is the dreadful variation across Europe and that’s no joke either,” concluded Ian Banks of the European Men’s Health Forum.

Pat Info (aka, Patient Information, Health Education) looked quite fresh and attractive when served with the court order, despite having been around for about 1,000 years. “This must be some terrible mistake, (see ‘corrections at the back of the leaflet’)” was all that was said. 

Judge ‘Bang ‘Em Up’ Bowis will preside over this historical case being held as part of the Patient Track on Saturday 24 September from 14:15 to 15:15 (Room T2).  The Judge remarked: “I will of course listen to all evidence, especially from the expert witnesses defending Pat Info before advising the jury to return a verdict of guilty as charged.  Like any other book this is an open and shut case in my opinion,” was his retort to accusations of an unfair trial.

Friends and colleagues of Pat Info were in denial after the news broke. Konstanty Radziwill, Chairman of the EC Standing Committee for Doctors stated to journalists that Pat Info has not only suffered bad press, but has also been framed and ‘hung out to dry’: “This is a miscarriage of justice. Patient education, as we doctors like to call Pat Info, increases health literacy improving the speed at which patients are diagnosed. But I will get you a second opinion,” he stated reassuringly. Radziwill then went on to quote a distinguished medical journal to back up his case, but unfortunately reporters could not understand Latin.

The Doctor’s second opinion came from expert witness Elisabeth Bergsten-Nordstrom, from Europa Donna: “Thousands of women owe their lives to Pat Info” she exclaimed. “All our educational material is checked for accuracy and evidence base and we are always seeking fresh sponsorship to improve it even further.”

Lesley Fallowfield from the Brighton and Sussex Medical School was also robust in her defence of Pat Info, “Let’s be honest, there is bad information out there but you can’t blame Pat Info for all of it. We need support and funding to get rid of the bad stuff and guarantee the quality of the rest. Pat Info might just make all the difference when it comes to inequalities in cancer outcomes across Europe.”

Nobody knows how the verdict will go, even with Bang ‘Em up Bowis presiding, but one thing is certain, it will be fascinating, intriguing, stimulating and engaging. It will also be fun.

The jury will be required to vote before and after evidence is presented. The court’s verdict will be widely publicised to encourage further debate.

Every Stockholm Congress attendee is being summonsed for jury service, even those who may prefer to sit on the fence...